


fuck the manhattan myrmidons

by drugstoreperfume



Category: The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, College, M/M, Mentions of Sexual Assault, achilles is a loveable jock, briseis is just awesome and a team player, mentions of drug use, patroclus is an exasperated biomedicine student, skype chat fic, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-02-08 12:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12864936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drugstoreperfume/pseuds/drugstoreperfume
Summary: patroclus and briseis are buds in medical school, dragging themselves through their biomedicine course. that medical school has to have some real pieces of crap for their football icons. fair enough. it isnt until 'meathead' football captain achilles is forced to actually take some classes relating to his major that patroclus's opinions on the manhattan myrmidons - or one in particular - start to change.





	1. unknown number

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is a text fic and i hope people like it. my pal and i have been talking abt a patrochilles college medschool/football star thingy for ages, but it wasnt until i put it in a group chat style that ive actually managed to get anywhere with it. it might change from groupchat to real life event sometimes (probably just to show you that i can actually write, as opposed to just writing how id text !!)  
> disclaimer: i ofc dont own song of achilles or any of the characters. manhattan myrmidons - and manhattan medican school - is completely made up. the college experience will most likely be SO inaccurate because i am a 17 yr old british boy. hope thats alright with u.

[00:31] [unknown number]: hi do u have the notes for physio

[00:40] Patroclus: do I know you?

[00:40] [unknown number]: uh probably lol can I have a copy of ur notes pls

[00:42] Patroclus: uh

[00:42] Patroclus: the ones from wednesday?

[00:42] [unknown number]: ya

[00:43] Patroclus: not to be rude, but I'd like to know who I'm giving my notes to

[00:44] [unknown number]: oh lol sorry u dont have my number alredy?

[00:44] Patroclus: oh I do I just thought I'd waste some time by asking

[00:44] [unknown number]: thats kind of a dick move bro..

[00:44] Patroclus: I wasn’t being serious. I have no clue who you are

[00:45] [unknown number]: im achilles bro. 

[00:45] Patroclus: Achilles....?

[00:45] [unknown number]: as if theres more than one

[00:45] [unknown number]: from the football team man

[00:47] Patroclus: right....

[00:47] Patroclus: you're not in my class.

[00:48] Asshole: lol unfortunately ur right

[00:48] Asshole: the problem is i shud have been in that class

[00:48] Asshole: whoops

[00:49] Patroclus: and you didn't turn up because...?

[00:49] Asshole: bc I am a busy man and that class is dull

[00:53] Asshole: pls give me the notes im forreal dying

-

 

[00:50] pattycakes: bri im fuckin dyign  help

[00:50] bitcheis: why the fuck do you assume im awake at this time

[00:50] pattycakes: bc ur a vampire?

[00:50] bitcheis: ill take it vampires r cool

[00:50] bitcheis: whats the problem.

[00:50] bitcheis: are u having another quarter life crisis

[00:50] bitcheis: is it about mike

[00:50] pattycakes: it isnt about my future or about mike

[00:51] pattycakes: (fuck mike)

[00:51] pattycakes: no this is worse....much worse

[00:51] bitcheis: im positively terrified

[00:51] pattycakes: u should be because achilles just fuckign messaged me asking for notes

[00:51] bitcheis: ACHILLES

[00:52] bitcheis: AS IN LIKE FUCKING DICKBRAIN ACHILLES

[00:52] pattycakes: thE ONE AND ONLY

[00:52] bitcheis: HOW DID HE GET UR NUMBER

[00:52] bitcheis: HES NOT EVEN IN OUR CLASSES

[00:52] pattycakes: ????? IM COMPLETELY LOST

[00:52] pattycakes: APPARENTLY HE IS IN ONE OF OUR CLASSES THIS YEAR BUT HE JUST DIDNT TURN UP

[00:53] bitcheis: lmao tbhh that makes sense

[00:53] bitcheis: jax from my dorm has to sit in on some bio classes

[00:53] bitcheis: something abt them having peas for brains and needing to give the college something more than their abs

[00:53] bitcheis: sure as fuck aint giving them their money, sports scholarship dickheads

[00:54] pattycakes: lol itd be funny to see achilles flunk

[00:54] bitcheis: im not sure even mummy could save him then

[00:54] bitcheis: remember when she came to the school bc she cudnt believe his grades were so bad

[00:54] pattycakes: holy sshit that was fucking hilarious she couldnt believe he was actually as dumb as he is

[00:54] pattycakes: his brains are in his fucking biceps lol

[00:54] bitcheis: bc ud be paying a lot of attention to his biceps eh

[00:54] pattycakes: fuck oFF NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS

[00:55] bitcheis: OK OK I BELIEVE YOU JEEZ

[00:55] pattycakes: but like what do I do...

[00:55] pattycakes: do I send him the notes??

[00:55] pattycakes: do I ghost ACHILLES????

[00:55] bitcheis: tell him he can have ur notes when he can drag his thick skull away from the field and to the library to actually see u

[00:55] bitcheis: better yet, tell him he can have ur notes when he stops fucking leering at jess like some kind of sick creep

[00:55] pattycakes: right I will say neither of those thanks bri

[00:55] bitcheis: no problem pattycakes time for us to not sleep

[00:55] pattycakes: lets drink to that

[00:55] pattycakes: to biomedicine

[00:55] bitcheis: to biomedicine

-

 

[00:57] Asshole: have u gon 2 sleep?

[00:57] Patroclus: Look. Couldn't you ask someone else for the notes?

[00:57] Asshole: id rather...not

[00:57] Patroclus: why?

[00:57] Asshole: well, u and bri..se..is?? Sry

[00:57] Asshole: u 2 are said to be the only ones who kno wat is going on

[00:57] Asshole: and she kinda scares me

[00:57] Asshole: which leaves u

[00:57] Patroclus: And I'm not scary?

[00:57] Asshole: nnnnnyeeesssnnnoooo.....?????

[00:58] Patroclus: convincing response

[00:58] Asshole: ive seen u arnd and I kno I could take u

[00:58] Asshole: in a fair fight

[00:58] Asshole: bt u seem like the kinda person to like hide daggers up yr sleeves

[00:59] Asshole: or like ur able to perform really fucking complex surgeries on the fly so mid fight u remove my kidneys or smth

[00:59] Patroclus: You've seen me around?

[00:59] Asshole: ur ignoring the kidney removal????

[00:59] Patroclus: I will neither confirm nor deny my ability to perform impromptu half-transplants

[00:59] Asshole: hlf transplants jst sound like murder

[00:59] Patroclus: tomayto tomahto

[00:59] Asshole: getting 2 the point

[00:59] Asshole: can I pls have ur notes from wensday

[01:00] Patroclus: *wednesday

[01:00] Asshole: yh yh

[01:00] Patroclus: u can find me 2moro for them

[01:00] Asshole: find u??? Tomorrow????

[01:00] Patroclus: yes.... I'm impressed with your reading comprehension

[01:01] Asshole: haha.

[01:01] Asshole: where??

[01:02] Patroclus: second floor library at 1pm, I'm there every monday.

[01:02] Asshole: fucking hell every monday

[01:02] Asshole: alright fine ill swing by 4 them

[01:02] Patroclus: see you then

[01:03] Asshole: cheers, cya

-

 

[01:04] pattycakes: (sent you a photo)

[01:04] pattycakes: (sent you a photo)

[01:04] pattycakes: chances of him showing up?

[01:04] bitcheis: if he shows up im taking u to that sushi place on friday my treat

[01:05] pattycakes: fuck ive never wanted to see his weird chin dimple more

[01:05] bitcheis: I think u always wanna see his weird chin dimple

[01:05] pattycakes: do u feel threatened

[01:05] pattycakes: his chin dimple and taut triceps might split up our facebook marriage

[01:06] bitcheis: for as long as his brain can be found somewhere between his pectorals and his dick I feel no threat

[01:06] bitcheis: keep bringing me to family dinners and implying were together and ill cause no fuss

[01:06] pattycakes: DEAL


	2. tutoring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> patroclus may or may not be owed a sushi dinner on friday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u so much for coming back to chapter 2 of this sack of shit. another disclaimer: i am not american. i do not own this book or its characters. im just having a good time  
> this chapter has like actual scene writing (that isnt smut seeing as thats the only scene writing i seem to be good at lmao) so beware... go gentle on me... enjoy....

[12:46] pattycakes: ur going to be buying me sushi this friday

[12:46] pattycakes: I can feel it

[12:46] pattycakes: feel it in my bones, my core, my very soul

[12:46] bitcheis: he there yet?

[12:46} pattycakes: no

[12:46] pattycakes: but he will be

[12:46] pattycakes: I have my notes all spread out on the table looking organised as fuck

[12:46] pattycakes: I have a fuckign venti gingerbread latte...

[12:46] pattycakes: got my contacts innn

[12:46] bitcheis: wow u made a fucking effort for this bitch

[12:47] pattycakes: I want to look put the fuck together

[12:47] pattycakes: he said he isnt scared of me and I want to change that

[12:47] bitcheis: face it pat

[12:47] bitcheis: u wanna be me

[12:47] pattycakes: true

[12:47] pattycakes: but u have to admit that the woman factor comes in handy when discussing who achilles would fear most of the two of us, considering his mother most likely breathes fire

[12:48] bitcheis: ill give u that

[12:48] bitcheis: the bitch probs has scales

[12:48] bitcheis: like have we ever seen even her ankles before?? Im calling shes the lizard queen of some planet

[12:48] bitcheis: fucking covered in scales

[12:48] pattycakes: or her legs r like attached by some batwing-ish shit

[12:48] pattycakes: she just shuffles around everywhere

[12:48] pattycakes: her dresses r so long to hide her fucked up webbed legs

[12:48] bitcheis: AND THAT’S WHY SHE WALKS LIKE SHES ABOUT TO WITNESS AN EXECUTION

[12:48] bitcheis: WEARS THOSE LONG FLOWY DRESSES TO HIDE HER SHUFFLING FEET

[12:49] pattycakes: WHEN SHE CAN GET AWAY WITH IT SHE SKIDS ON THE FLOOR AND PRETENDS TO GLIDE

[12:49] pattycakes: WE'RE ALL THERE LIKE FUCK SHES SCARY AND SHES SLIDING AROUND ON LIKE SOCKS AND WEBBED KNEES,,,

[12:49] pattycakes: FJHJSJKS

[12:49] bitcheis: IM FUCKIGN CRYING

[12:49] bitcheis: FUCK THIS IS TOO BELIEVEABLE SHES 100% A DRAGON

[12:49] pattycakes: FUCK FLAT EARTH THEORY, ACHILLES'S DRAGON MOM THEORY

[12:49] bitcheis: the name isnt as snappy but the theory really kicks u in the fucking teeth

[12:49] pattycakes: fjhjdk I love this theory

[12:49] bitcheis: do u think shes omnipresent.. Shes reading our texts right now like these little shits,

[12:49] pattycakes: bri shes a dragon not a god

[12:49] bitcheis: u just wait,, when shes done with the college faculty shell tackle olympus

[12:49] pattycakes: shes growing too strong....

[12:53] pattycakes: do u think achilles has scales

[12:53] bitcheis: with the amt of skin hes shown the college don’t u think wed have seen his scales by now

[12:53] pattycakes: well..... there is one place....

[12:53] bitcheis: don’t

[12:53] pattycakes: he could have....

[12:53] bitcheis:  **do not**

[12:53] pattycakes: scaly balls

[12:53] bitcheis: u disgust me

[12:53] bitcheis: or his butt could be scaly

[12:53] pattycakes: nah remember in second year when he wore that jockstrap

[12:54] bitcheis: oh yh

[12:54] bitcheis: scratch the butt scales, the balls r the only option

[12:54] pattycakes: im glad we see eye to eye on this

[12:54] pattycakes: anD ON THAT NOTE I LEAVE U BECAUSE HES HERE HES FUCKING WALKING OVER TO ME HAAAA

[12:54] pattycakes: HHAHAHAHA YOU OWE ME THE MOST FUCKING DELIGHTFUL SUSHI MEAL ON FRIDAY I WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOUR PURSE YOU WILL BE BROKE

[12:54] bitcheis: I ffffucking hate you

[12:54] bitcheis: at least its an excuse to go for sushi

[12:54] bitcheis: good luck with chin dimple

[12:54] pattycakes: THNX ILL NEED IT IM LOOKING FORWARD TO THE SUUUSHIIIIIII BYE LOVE U

[12:56] bitcheis: love u 2

-

"Hey."

Patroclus looked up from his phone and finally allowed himself to look at the approaching Achilles beyond a few glances. He stood over the table, sunlight setting his golden hair on fire – he had it down recently, long around his jaw, and against Patroclus's better judgement it looked better than the manbun. He'd never been a fan. Seeing him so close, Achilles looked... smaller than he does on the field. On the field, he looked like bulging muscle, the chords of his shoulder rolling to throw and pass and duck, but here he looked lean, lined with slim muscle but altogether quite lithe. He even had a shirt on, a white shirt with duck print on it, and it suited him, even untucked. Patroclus noticed that Achilles was more well-groomed now than he'd ever been before, and the thought made him both blush and thank the heavens (or Olympus) that he'd worn contacts and not his geek glasses.

He blinked, realising he'd missed his cue to talk. "H-hey, sorry," he said, looking down at his notes. He reached to take a sip of coffee, both to buy him time to think of what to say and to settle his nerves – maybe the caffeine wouldn't help. "You're early," he managed.

Achilles sent him a smile, flashing a too-white canine. "I often am. Every minute we're late to practice is one lap of the field. You learn quickly."

Patroclus is tempted to offer him a polite smile, but he remembers Briseis, remembers Jess, and doesn't. "I can copy the notes for you now."

"I, uhm." Achilles trailed off, suddenly looking nervous. His arm came up to cup the back of his neck, a nervous habit that unfortunately stretched the fabric of his shirt around his biceps and oh God Patroclus don't you dare - "I was hoping you'd be able to go through them with me, actually."

For a moment, Patroclus's dick wanted to throw itself and the body it was attached to across the table and promise Achilles that they would go through everything, but then Patroclus remembered that he wasn't an imbecile and snapped himself. In replacement of his boyish lust was a feeling of irritation. "So you're telling me that you don't want to show up to class, but you want me to sit here and waste my time to help you learn something you could have learned anyway by -"

"By turning up to class, yeah." Achilles pulled the chair out opposite Patroclus on their small table near the window. "I – would you laugh if I said I thought I was smarter than I really am?"

"I'm gently amused but not laughing," Patroclus said.

"I'll take it, man." Achilles flashed another smile. "But – but yeah.  I didn't think I'd have to turn up... is that weird? I thought after all this time doing sports, hearing about muscles and lactic acid and everything, that I'd just... get it. Immediately. When Jax started telling me about all this -" He gestured to the notes in front of Patroclus. "All of this stuff confused the hell out of me. That's when I realised I had to turn up."

"You thought you could just float on your ego through a section of biomedicine?" Patroclus asked, and then regretted it.

Achilles frowned. "I opened up to you. I asked you to help. It isn't easy for me to do that. If you don't want to help me, I can leave right now."

Patroclus didn't say anything, but his face softened, he could feel it. He tried to think of Briseis and Jess, but he – he wanted to help Achilles, as much of a stupid sporty jock he was. God damn it, he'd make such a good doctor.

"I can pay you for it, if you like."

This shocked Patroclus out of his thoughts. He physically recoiled, drawing back on his seat and clutching the table edge with white-knuckled fingers. "That – you'd – what? That won't be necessary. I don't -"

Achilles looked down at his notes, absentmindedly running a fingertip along the indents where Patroclus had pressed especially hard with his pen. "I'm on a sports scholarship and my parents are powerful people. I have money to spare and I – I really need to pass this, man." He looked at Patroclus with genuine emotion. "I know – bro, I know how I can seem.  I know. It's been two years of it: the keg stands, the parties, the rumours - I know about all of it. But sports is important to me. The Myrmidons are important to me. If I want to get signed after college, I need this class." He hadn't dropped Patroclus's gaze. Unlike a lot of people, his eyes hadn't trailed to look  _through_  Patroclus but remained trained  _on_  him, hypervigilant. "I need you to help me get through this class."

If he was being honest, the decision didn't take too much weighing up. The cons were that Briseis and Jess would be disappointed. The pros would be the coverage of material, the discussions, the friendship with one of the most powerful students on campus who is also very attractive, and also the  _money_. Patroclus pretended to think for a slightly longer time than he actually had to think, before he took a sip of his latte and molded his face into what he hoped was a kind smile. "When, where, how much?"

Achilles let out a sigh of relief, collapsing like a released balloon. "Whenever's best for you, man, honestly. You're doing me such a solid right now."

"However," Patroclus continued with acid in his tone, "if I find that you've missed any classes while you still have all your limbs and are not projectile vomiting, I will cancel these sessions. I want you serious about this."

To Patroclus's amusement and satisfaction, Achilles did look slightly frightened as he swallowed and nodded.

Patroclus smiled, a real smile, before turning his phone off and spreading his notes on the table. "We'll start here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave kudos nd comments telling me what you think of this story!! i want to improve  
> [donating to me on ko-fi supports me and helps me keep writing!!](https://ko-fi.com/A05049H8)


	3. the nile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> achilles is lazy, patroclus's parents are pricks, secrets are told....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi hi welcome back this is the only productive thing i could do today bc i am DEPRESSED so lets all give it up for me and the fact that all i have to offer is this steaming pile of shit i hope u enjoy the textsssss  
> disclaimer: still 17. still not american. still dont own song of achilles or its characters

[17:34] Patroclus: (sent ohmygodfuckthisshit.pwp)

[17:34] Patroclus: (sent iwanttodie.pwp)

[17:34] Patroclus: (sent aaaaaAAAA.pwp)

[17:34] Patroclus: here are my powerpoints on the first chapter of the textbook

[17:59] Asshole: nice file names

[18:03] Patroclus: what?

[18:03] Patroclus: fuck

[18:03] Patroclus: I should really organise the file names using the spec

[18:03] Asshole: and that is the only problem w those names?

[18:03] Patroclus: Yes.

[18:03] Asshole: right ok

[18:03] Asshole: I rly dnt want 2 open those

[18:03] Patroclus: boo hoo

[18:03] Patroclus: I don’t want to open those files and I made them

[18:04] Patroclus: I'm meant to be having a study break right now and I here I am, accidentally reviewing content because you wanted the study resources  _I made_

[18:04] Asshole: lol yh thnx

[18:20] Asshole: ok so iv read them

[18:20] Asshole: now wat? U said itd take me like 5 hrs

[18:31] Patroclus: you just read them?

[18:31] Asshole: yh?

[18:31] Asshole: iv read them all bro, now iv been playing ocarina of time

[18:31] Patroclus: …

[18:31] Patroclus: wouldn’t have taken you for an Ocarina of Time kind of person

[18:33] Asshole: a family friends kid used 2 do speedruns n shit

[18:33] Asshole: was rly rly good. No life tho

[18:33] Asshole: when she grew out of it she gave a lot of her games 2 me

[18:33] Asshole: theyr pretty fun

[18:34] Patroclus: right... okay...

[18:34] Patroclus: but what do you mean you've read them all? Like, that's it?

[18:34] Asshole: what do u mean 'thts it?'

[18:34] Patroclus: well, arent you going to take notes on it?

[18:34] Asshole: on this?

[18:34] Patroclus: yes?

[18:34] Asshole: ALL of this?

[18:34] Patroclus: yes?????????

[18:34] Asshole: THE FUCK

[18:34] Asshole: COME ON MAN

[18:34] Asshole: THIS IS SO MUCH WORK

[18:35] Patroclus: THIS IS THE  _NORMAL AMOUNT_

[18:35] Asshole: I DNT HAVE 2 DO THIS WORK

[18:35] Patroclus: YOU DO IF YOU WANT A TUTOR

[18:35] Asshole: asshole > : (

_-_

[18:35] Mel: Hey Pat x

[18:35] Patroclus: hey Mel x

[18:35] Mel: bad news =( x

[18:35] Mel: the money's a bit tight and Meno and I are so busy that I don't think you can come round for Christmas this year xx

[18:35] Patroclus: is Myrto going?

[18:36] Mel: yes, but it's different xx

[18:36] Mel: Myrto is closer xx

[18:36] Patroclus: right

[18:36] Patroclus: where do you expect me to go?

[18:36] Mel: stay at school over Christmas xx

[18:36] Patroclus: as I told you last year, we're not allowed to stay over break

[18:36] Mel: then I don't know, Pat, I can't sort your whole life out for you x

[18:36] Mel: your a smart kid youll figure something out xxx

[18:36] Mel: talk later, Pat, ly xx

[18:36] Patroclus: talk later x

-

[18:37] pattycakes: (sent you a photo)

[18:37] pattycakes: (sent you a photo)

[18:37] bitcheis: *you're

[18:37] pattycakes: lmao

[18:37] bitcheis: u okay?

[18:37] pattycakes: yeah.

[18:37] pattycakes: I just don’t get it

[18:37] pattycakes: whats the point of adopting me if they don’t even see me as their own

[18:37] pattycakes: if they can fly myrto home then why not me??

[18:37] pattycakes: oh yeah!!

[18:37] pattycakes: bc they birthed myrto

[18:37] pattycakes: and bringing the killer kid home kind of dampens the christmas spirit eh

[18:37] bitcheis: ur parents are pricks

[18:37] bitcheis: we knew this

[18:38] pattycakes: I know but it still hurts

[18:38] bitcheis: I know, im sorry

[18:38] bitcheis: however... now that ur holiday season is free.... my parents would love to see u this hannukah....?

[18:38] pattycakes: I love u more than u could ever know

[18:38] bitcheis: u only love me for my parents cooking

[18:38] pattycakes: possibly

[18:38] bitcheis: fuck u

[18:38] bitcheis: gna call my mom abt it shell be over the moon

[18:38] pattycakes: shit I forgot achilles

[18:39] bitcheis: ???

-

[18:36] Asshole: wtf don’t leave me on read bro

[18:36] Asshole: broooo

[18:36] Asshole: broooooooo

[18:37] Asshole: bro im sorry I called u an asshole

[18:38] Asshole: I actually am sorry I wsnt trying 2 offend u

[18:40] Patroclus: omfg I was just busy

[18:40] Asshole: okay phew 

[18:40] Asshole: I dnt want u 2 think im an asshole

[18:40] Patroclus: I already do think you're an asshole

[18:40] Patroclus: to the point that your name is my phone is 'Asshole'

[18:40] Asshole: well I want to  _change_  that bc im  _not_  an asshole

[18:40] Asshole: w8 my name in ur phone is asshole?

[18:40] Asshole: forreal?

[18:41] Patroclus: (sent you a photo)

[18:41] Asshole: whoa omg it actually is

[18:41] Asshole: how long has that been my name

[18:41] Patroclus: since the moment I realised it was you texting me

[18:41] Asshole: I cant even b mad man the coincidence is just 2 strong

[18:43] Asshole: I wanna give u a cool nickname

[18:43] Patroclus: I wouldn’t call 'asshole' cool

[18:43] Patroclus: honest? yes. cool? No.

[18:43] Asshole: lemme think.....

[18:43] Patroclus:  _do your notes_

[18:43] Asshole: this is important

[18:43] Patroclus:  _your education is important. It's_ _why we're even here_

[18:43] Asshole: Im here 4 the myrmidons only and we both know it

[18:43] Patroclus: true

[18:50] Patroclus: how's the studying going?

[18:50] Asshole: (sent you a photo)

[18:51] no fun mcgee: 'no fun mcgee'?

[18:51] Asshole: yep

[18:51] no fun mcgee: you spent 7 minutes thinking of  _no fun mcgee_?

[18:51] Asshole: cut me some slack bro Im not a creative writing major 

[18:51] no fun mcgee: fine

[18:51] no fun mcgee: it's relatively adequate, but only when the fact that you wrote it is taken into consideration

[18:51] Asshole: thats the best im gna get isnt it

[18:52] no fun mcgee: you bet

[18:52] Asshole: id have made a jekyll and hyde joke abt like u being a  _doctor_  and your  _weird personality that moves between kind citizen to grumpy man_  but I havnt read jekyll and hyde so

[18:52] no fun mcgee: god it was going so well until you said you'd never read it

[18:52] no fun mcgee: I'm actually impressed you know the book

[18:52] Asshole: hey, my baby's mom is a literature major, I know my shit brooo

[18:52] Asshole: gtg late practice now

[18:52] Asshole: and ill do the notes after so u can get off my dick

[18:52] Asshole: no homo

[18:54] no fun mcgee: right

-

[18:52] bitcheis: do you think geese think in honks

[18:54] pattycakes: (sent you a photo)

[18:54] bitcheis: ok then ignore my perfectly valid and naturally inquisitive enquiry

[18:54] bitcheis: heh idk whether to laugh more at the 'no fun mcgee' or the 'no homo'

[18:54] pattycakes: wtf don’t laugh at the no fun mcgee

[18:54] bitcheis: pat hes known u a day and hes already found out u are indeed a No Fun Mcgee

[18:54] pattycakes: wouldn’t it be 'McGee'?

[18:54] bitcheis: NO FUN

[18:54] pattycakes: ok but LOOK AT THE MESSAGES

[18:54] bitcheis: I have??

[18:55] pattycakes: HARDER. WITH YOUR EYES

[18:55] bitcheis: what am I meant to b seeing??

[18:57] bitcheis: OHHHH

[18:57] bitcheis: OH MY GOD???

[18:57] pattycakes: BABY??????????

[18:57] bitcheis: WHOAAA A A A A A

[18:57] bitcheis: pat this is good!!! Hes just  _entrusted_ you with information about him!!!

[18:57] bitcheis: HE'S TRYING TO BUILD A BOND

[18:57] bitcheis: TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT!!! LEARN MORE ABOUT HIM!!! BECOME FRIENDS!!!

[18:58] bitcheis: or moooore? ;DDD

[18:58] pattycakes: he does not want to be my friend OR more thank u bri

[18:58] bitcheis: ooookay

[18:58] bitcheis: be careful swimming around in that river there

[18:58] pattycakes: river???

[18:58] pattycakes: what river

[18:58] bitcheis: that lovely silky secretive egyptian river I like to call

[18:58] bitcheis: DE NILE........

[18:58] pattycakes: I think itd work better spoken aloud

[18:58] bitcheis: yeah me too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave comments telling me how you feel abt the story so far, and leave kudos if you enjoyed!! it rly helps me keep it up and gives me that sweet validation i need to keep my fingers tappin' those keys. thank you for reading!!!  
> [donating to me on ko-fi supports me and helps me keep on writing!!](https://ko-fi.com/A05049H8)


	4. four am fuckery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dont have conversations when it's late  
> (or do)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry it took so long to get this out!! i have exam and im depressed and all that funky stuff, but i promise im going to keep trying!   
> disclaimer: still 17, still not american, characters still belong to miller... and like, homer i guess?

[04:13] Asshole: (sent you a photo)

[04:17] no fun mcgee: hello, Achilles

[04:17] no fun mcgee: that is a leg

[04:17] Asshole: y the fuck r u awake

[04:17] no fun mcgee: YOU JUST SENT ME AN IMAGE OF A LEG AT 4 IN THE MORNING

[04:17] Asshole: omfg brooo did i wake u????

[04:18] no fun mcgee: no, i was already awake

[04:18] no fun mcgee: but i reserve the right to be angry on the principle that you could have woken me

[04:18] no fun mcgee: with a picTURE OF A LEG

[04:18] Asshole: but it isnt a leg tho is it

[04:18] no fun mcgee: what the fuck else would it be?

[04:18] Asshole: look harder

[04:18] Asshole: deeper

[04:18] no fun mcgee: settle down rafiki

[04:18] Asshole: wat

[04:18] no fun mcgee: rafiki

[04:18] no fun mcgee: the philosophical baboon

[04:18] Asshole: u kno wat i shudnt have messaged u at 4am my bad

[04:19] Asshole: ill remember that 4am is like Patroclus Witching Hour nxt time

[04:19] no fun mcgee: omg no no no it’s from

[04:19] no fun mcgee: you’ve never seen the lion king?

[04:19] Asshole: i never watched disney films man

[04:19] no fun mcgee: WHO RAISED YOU

[04:19] Asshole: u know who raised me

[04:19] Asshole: bro uve met her

[04:19] no fun mcgee: ah

[04:19] no fun mcgee: that makes sense

[04:20] no fun mcgee: NO OFFENSE

[04:20] Asshole: none taken dw

[04:20] Asshole: AYYY LOOK AT THE TIME AYYYY

[04:20] no fun mcgee: -_-

[04:20] Asshole: BROOO YOU USED AN EMOJI

[04:20] no fun mcgee: indeed.

[04:20] Asshole: u r so much more fun at 4am

[04:20] Asshole: fun mcgee

[04:20] no fun mcgee: does this mean that your nickname for me is voided and that i get to have my original name back

[04:20] Asshole: helllllll no

[04:20] no fun mcgee: -_- -_-

[04:20] Asshole: BUT BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND

[04:20] no fun mcgee: that being the leg

[04:21] Asshole: its more than the leg bro

[04:21] Asshole: look what else is in the fuckin pictuuure

[04:21] no fun mcgee: you’re going to make me scroll all the way up through this cesspool of fuckery to find that image

[04:21] Asshole: nah bro

[04:21] Asshole: (sent you a photo)

[04:21] Asshole: on the house baby

[04:21] no fun mcgee: okay, i can see the leg… and inside that a diagram of bones and tendons

[04:21] no fun mcgee: oh my god are you going to ask me a study question?

 

[04:21] pattycakes: ACHILLES IS ASKING ME A QUESTION ABOUT THE NOTES I GAVE HIM IM SO FUCKING PROUD OF HIM AND MYSELF

[04:21] pattycakes: I FEEL FULFILLED…. IS THIS MY PURPOSE? SHOULD I GO INTO TEACHING? MY HEART IS SO FULL

 

[04:22] Asshole: omfg bro nooooo i was just like

[04:22] Asshole: take in this scenario right

[04:22] no fun mcgee: right

 

[04:22] pattycakes: fuck my last message all happiness is temporary and nobody is to be trusted

[04:22] bitcheis: wow it only took him 1 minute and 22 seconds to disappoint u

[04:22] pattycakes: like all men

[04:22] bitcheis: ill drink to that

 

[04:22] Asshole: so im like sat at my desk lookin at ur pwps

[04:22] Asshole: drinking a mountain dew

[04:22] no fun mcgee: mistake

[04:22] Asshole: mountain dew is my mistress nd i heed her call

[04:22] no fun mcgee: how are you a jock and yet you say shit like that

[04:22] Asshole: its 4am man i discovered a brain cell

[04:22] Asshole: ANYWAY SO I GOT MY DEW

[04:23] Asshole: im lookin at some diagrams nd stuff like that

[04:23] Asshole: and im suddenly like

[04:23] Asshole: all this shit is like

[04:23] Asshole: INSIDE OF MY BODY

[04:23] no fun mcgee: you clearly didn’t look at my introduction to neurobiology then

[04:24] Asshole: hahahahahahaha.

[04:24] Asshole: so i str8 up start crying man

[04:24] no fun mcgee: …….whoa

[04:24] Asshole: yea u wouldnt think it bro but i am a massive softie ngl

[04:24] no fun mcgee: no i can believe it

[04:24] no fun mcgee: i remember in first year when jax spilled his soup on you and you started crying and you had to invent an eye infection to tell people it wasn’t to do with the soup

[04:24] Asshole: u knew i made that up?

[04:24] no fun mcgee: Bioccular Proaggulation is not a real disease but an attempt was made i guess

[04:24] Asshole: ANYWAY!!!

[04:25] Asshole: but humans havin all this stuff inside

[04:25] Asshole: does it not freak u out ?????

[04:25] no fun mcgee: not really

[04:25] no fun mcgee: i want to be a doctor so i find that kind of thing interesting

[04:25] Asshole: omg bro a doctor… damn

[04:25] Asshole: y didnt u apply for the full medicine course??

[04:25] no fun mcgee: i didn’t get in.

[04:25] Asshole: but ur so smart? why?

[04:25] no fun mcgee: i had some stuff going on at the time i took my exams

[04:25] Asshole: wat kind of stuff?

[04:26] no fun mcgee: it’s personal

[04:26] Asshole: alright bro my bad

 

[04:51] Asshole: i wanted to be a music student u kno

[04:51] no fun mcgee: you play?

[04:51] Asshole: yeah since i was little

[04:51] no fun mcgee: which instrument?

[04:51] Asshole: ….. im not sayin

[04:51] no fun mcgee: why not?

[04:52] no fun mcgee: are you trying to be petty over the ‘it’s personal’ thing because it seems kind of rude

[04:53] Asshole: nonononono

[04:53] Asshole: sry i was getting a bagel bro

[04:53] no fun mcgee: sorry for jumping to conclusions

[04:53] no fun mcgee: why don’t you want to say?

[04:53] Asshole: its jst embarrsing

[04:53] no fun mcgee: i promise i won’t text-laugh

[04:54] no fun mcgee: no laughing emojis being sent here

[04:54] Asshole: no laughin emojis from no fun mcgee

[04:54] no fun mcgee: i sent you -_-, that’s more than enough progress for one night

[04:54] Asshole: *morning

[04:54] no fun mcgee: fuckkkkKK

[04:54] Asshole: i know bro my coach is gna kill me

[04:55] no fun mcgee: you’rE DISTRACTING ME

[04:55] no fun mcgee: what instrument do you play?

[04:55] Asshole: u rly wanna know

[04:55] no fun mcgee: stupid question

[04:55] Asshole: dnt tell ur girlfriend or anything this cANT get out

[04:55] no fun mcgee: your secret is safe with me

[04:56] Asshole: i play

[04:56] Asshole: (sent you a photo)

[04:56] no fun mcgee: …

[04:56] no fun mcgee: the lute?

[04:56] Asshole: its a family tradition on my mothers side to learn the lute

[04:56] Asshole: im the best at it in my family so i was gna take it at college

[04:57] Asshole: ur laughing rnt u

[04:57] no fun mcgee: no i’m not laughing! i’m just really surprised

[04:57] no fun mcgee: what stopped you taking it?

[04:58] Asshole: my high school girlfriend had a baby and i couldnt afford the instability of work tht comes w being a

[04:58] Asshole: a luteist? lute player?

 

[04:58] pattycakes: bri what do u call someone who plays the lute???

[04:58] bitcheis: letmegooglethatforyou.com/someone-who-plays-the-lute

[04:58] bitcheis: go to sleep

[04:59] pattycakes: thank youuuuu <3 <3 <3

 

[04:59] no fun mcgee: a lutenist

[04:59] Asshole: how do u know this stuff bro

[04:59] no fun mcgee: as you said - i’m smart

[05:01] no fun mcgee: do you regret not taking music?

[05:02] Asshole: not at all

[05:02] Asshole: i kno i can seem like an immature piece of wank

[05:02] no fun mcgee: yep!

[05:02] Asshole: i walked str8 into that bro omg

[05:02] Asshole: i kno i can seem like an immature piece of wank BUT i love my son and if not being a LUTENIST means i can help support him then its worth it

[05:03] no fun mcgee: damn

[05:03] no fun mcgee: i’ve seen humanity in you tonight that has never before been seen

[05:03] no fun mcgee: and i thought i was just tutoring you

[05:03] Asshole: thats what mountain dew nd bein freaked out abt legs does 2 u bro

[05:03] no fun mcgee: what’s your son’s name?

[05:04] Asshole: Neo!! he has curly red hair just like his mom and hes already learning 2 play the lute

[05:04] no fun mcgee: that’s really sweet

[05:04] no fun mcgee: are you still with his mom?

[05:04] Asshole: nah deidamia and i broke up like halfway thru my 1st yr of college here

[05:04] no fun mcgee: how come?

[05:04] Asshole: lmao i feel like im being interviewed bro

[05:04] Asshole: i just realised some stuff abt myself and it was better 2 break it off while neo was still a baby

[05:04] no fun mcgee: ‘some stuff’? what kind of stuff?

[05:06] Asshole: it’s personal.

[05:07] no fun mcgee: touché

 

[08:10] no fun mcgee: wakey wakey

[08:12] Asshole: the fuck??? u actually woke me man

[08:13] no fun mcgee: i just wanted to let you know that your leg phobias and your lute playing is safe with me

[08:13] no fun mcgee: and to apologise for being so pushy

[08:13] no fun mcgee: i should stick to just being a tutor

[08:14] Asshole: nooo bro i was pushy 2 at times so dont worry 2 much

[08:16] Asshole: ik it feels weird now its the morning but i liked talking 2 u like that

[08:19] no fun mcgee: i liked it too

[08:19] Asshole: u kno what i dnt like?

[08:19] no fun mcgee: do tell

[08:19] Asshole: being woken up at 8am for no fucking reason

[08:19] no fun mcgee: luckily for you, there was a reason

[08:20] Asshole: oh yh? and what is that reason?

[08:20] Asshole: _do tell_

[08:20] no fun mcgee: we have class???

[08:21] Asshole: WHAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave kudos nd comments telling me what you think of this story!! i want to improve  
> [donating to me on ko-fi supports me and helps me to keep on writing!!!](https://ko-fi.com/A05049H8)


	5. of whale songs and party kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's been a few days. patroclus is helping achilles study. briseis wants gets details. things are beginning to progress......

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao ill stop trying to make this fic sound meaningful now its just TOO self indulgent...   
> still 17, still from england, still dont own the characters from the iliad or miller or anything.....

[19:21] bitcheis: pat

[19:23] bitcheis: pat

[19:42] bitcheis: patroclus

[19:57] bitcheis: pATROCLUS

[20:12] bitcheis: **patroclus you fucking bitch**

[20:19] pattycakes: mnbhfj hhf ???

[20:19] bitcheis: whERE WERE YOU

[20:19] pattycakes: mmnmnbbnvnvn ;;;;

[20:20] bitcheis: were u asleep?

[20:20] bitcheis: impossible

[20:20] bitcheis: patroclus naptime is 4-6 on a thursday

[20:20] pattycakes: akillme asked me to help him studyyyy and i was literally falling asleep at the table but i couldnt say nooooo

[20:21] pattycakes: bc like what could i sayyyyy like

[20:21] pattycakes: sorry achilles old sport i would help but it seems that my body doesnt like being awake to see the clock turn 4:12pm

[20:21] bitcheis: u could have said exactly that im sure he would have understood

[20:21] pattycakes: bri u dont understand

[20:21] pattycakes: he is never late. he falls asleep at 9pm every night. he drinks a KALE SMOOTHIE in the morning.

[20:22] pattycakes: HE HAS AN ALBUM OF ‘SONGS OF THE HUMPBACK WHALE’

[20:22] pattycakes: **ON VINYL**

[20:22] pattycakes: he can do no wrong, bri

[20:22] bitcheis: jfhjjkjkjs wwh …

[20:22] bitcheis: achilles… listenign to fucking whale songs….,,

[20:23] bitcheis: finding.. breathing… difficult….

[20:23] pattycakes: I TOLD HIM I WOULDNT TELL YOU THAT FLKJSHJDKLKH

[20:23] bitcheis: yr telling me that achilles

[20:23] bitcheis: like,,, ACHILLES,,,

[20:23] bitcheis: has a vinyl player dedicated only to whale noises

[20:23] pattycakes: …

[20:24] pattycakes: ..and the beach boys

[20:24] bitcheis: NO I CANT ANYMORE THATS THE LAST FUCKING STRAW

[20:24] bitcheis: I AM IN. TEARS.

[20:24] pattycakes: hEY

[20:24] pattycakes: THE BEACH BOYS ARE GOOD

[20:24] bitcheis: the concept of achilles listening to whale music and the beac h boys is too powerfful an image for my brain to handle

[20:25] bitcheis: it has too much raw power

[20:25] pattycakes: protect its power… keep it safe… dont let it fall into the wrong hands…..

[20:25] bitcheis: yes yes i wont tell anyone

[20:25] bitcheis: who the fuck would believe me anyway

[20:25] bitcheis: _hey, laura! yeah, i’ve got the notes on kidney function. also, did you know that the manhatten myrmidon’s very own achilles listens only to humpback whale songs and the beach boys?_

[20:26] pattycakes: he once waxed his pubes into the shape of marge simpson’s hair and mass-texted it at 2am

[20:26] bitcheis: somehow that is more believable than the whale songs

[20:26] bitcheis: what else have you gotten out of him?

[20:26] pattycakes: not much tbh

[20:26] bitcheis: any further information on the baby????

[20:26] pattycakes: nah he hasnt mentioned it and it feels awkward as fuck to bring up

[20:26] bitcheis: but u talk a lot now, huh

[20:26] pattycakes: yeah a bit

[20:27] bitcheis: ;-)

[20:27] pattycakes: bri

[20:27] bitcheis: ;-))))))

[20:27] pattycakes: BRISEIS NO

[20:27] bitcheis: briseis yes ;-)

[20:27] pattycakes: it isnt like thaaaaat dkjshjkd

[20:27] bitcheis: but you seem to be getting pretty…. close ;-)

[20:27] bitcheis: WAIT

[20:27] bitcheis: YOU SAID HE SLEEPS AT 9PM EVERY NIGHT

[20:27] pattycakes: yeah he does

[20:27] pattycakes: like… on the dot

[20:27] pattycakes: its honestly freaky as fuck

[20:28] bitcheis: BUT HE STAYED UP THAT ONE TIME TO TALK TO YOU

[20:28] pattycakes: ……

[20:28] bitcheis: eh? EH? ;-)))))))))))))

[20:28] pattycakes: BRISEIS IT ISN’T LIKE THAT >:(

[20:28] pattycakes: he’s straight anyway

[20:28] pattycakes: anD DONT EVEN FIGHT ME ON THAT YOU _KNOW_ HE IS

[20:28] bitcheis: no straight man listens to the beach boys

[20:28] bitcheis: u are a prime example of that

[20:28] pattycakes: what gay man has a mullet bri

[20:28] bitcheis: that was first year patroclus people change

[20:30] bitcheis: if he was gay would you be into him

[20:30] pattycakes: **BRISEIS**

[20:30] pattycakes: IT DOESNT MATTER BECAUSE HE ISNT GAY

[20:30] pattycakes: hes also stiLL KIND OF A WANKER

[20:30] pattycakes: hes less of a meathead than i thought he was but he still threw a paintball at that tennis club member last week and telling me he plays the lute doesnt erase that

[20:30] bitcheis: HE PLAYS THE **LUTE???????**

[20:30] pattycakes: pretend you didnt hear that

[20:31] bitcheis: i dont even have any more room for amusement im just fucking gobsmacked

[20:31] pattycakes: 30 point word score

[20:31] bitcheis: cmon. 50 at least

[20:31] pattycakes: id give u 50 for flabbergasted

[20:32] bitcheis: bitcheis at [20:31]: “i dont even have any more room for amusement im just fucking flabbergasted”

[20:32] pattycakes: there are no second chances in scrabble

[20:32] bitcheis: that could be a slogan for like a game made into a movie

[20:32] pattycakes: o m f g

[20:32] pattycakes: fuck jumanji, fuck final fantasy

[20:32] pattycakes: SCRABBLE

[20:32] bitcheis: coming to movie theatres near you

[20:32] pattycakes: 100 letters… 5 friends… one _hungry_ dictionary……

[20:33] bitcheis: ANYWAY he could still be bi

[20:33] pattycakes: BRISEIS STOP THIS

[20:33] pattycakes: i wouldnt like him even if he was bi

[20:33] pattycakes: which

[20:33] pattycakes: judging by the pictures on facebook of him necking georgia miller at that party

[20:33] pattycakes: would suggest a SEVERE preference for the ladies

[20:33] bitcheis: why do u say severe preference for ladies as if its a disease

[20:33] pattycakes: briseis has got her bisexual defence league pants on

[20:33] bitcheis: u fucking bet i ha

[20:33] bitcheis: oMFG I REMEMBERED WHAT I MEANT TO TELL YOU

[20:33] pattycakes: ???

[20:33] pattycakes: OH YEAH YOU ACTUALLY MEANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO ME

[20:33] bitcheis: u know how u told me to get out there more??

[20:33] bitcheis: make some friends?

[20:33] pattycakes: mhmmmmm?

[20:34] bitcheis: WELL!!!!

[20:34] bitcheis: JESS

[20:34] bitcheis: INVITED ME

[20:34] bitcheis: TO A PARTY

[20:34] pattycakes: _A PARTY?_

[20:34] bitcheis: **A PARTY!!!!!**

[20:34] pattycakes: omfjkhskdh this is so fucking good

[20:34] pattycakes: AFTER THREE YEARS

[20:34] bitcheis: I KNOOOW

[20:34] bitcheis: I KNEW ID BE THE FIRST OF US

[20:34] pattycakes: piss off >:(

[20:34] bitcheis: u should come!!!!

[20:34] pattycakes: nahhhh

[20:34] bitcheis: why???

[20:34] pattycakes: this is your thing bri

[20:35] bitcheis: nooo im serious u should come along

[20:35] bitcheis: its legit this friday at this girl becca’s place

[20:35] bitcheis: becca arenberg? sounds right

[20:35] bitcheis: be my plus 1

[20:35] bitcheis: my arm candy

[20:35] pattycakes: nah im serious too bri

[20:35] pattycakes: this is yr thing with jess!!! itll bring u much closer if im not there

[20:35] bitcheis: pat im not replacing you :(

[20:35] pattycakes: nooo i know yr not bri, i really mean it i want u to get closer to jess and make friends outside of me

[20:35] pattycakes: i know uve wanted to for a while and this is yr moment to rly put yrself out there

[20:35] bitcheis: i love u so much pattycakes :-(((( <3

[20:36] pattycakes: i love u 2!!!

 

[20:45] Asshole: hey im abt 2 go 2 bed but i wanted 2 thank u 4 today

[20:45] Asshole: u make kidneys make sense

[20:45] no fun mcgee: can i put that on my resume

[20:45] no fun mcgee: “makes kidneys make sense”

[20:45] Asshole: i mean its a lot of work

[20:45] Asshole: there is 2 of them!!!!

[20:45] no fun mcgee: i’m glad someone around here appreciates the workload i manage

[20:46] no fun mcgee: you said we were on for friday next?

[20:46] Asshole: yeah!

[20:46] Asshole: let me just put it into my planner

[20:46] no fun mcgee: achilles has a planner…. damn

[20:46] Asshole: im never late! i told u this

[20:47] no fun mcgee: you did indeed

[20:49] Asshole: oh

[20:49] Asshole: oh shit uhm

[20:49] Asshole: im sorry i didnt check my planner b4 i told u friday in the library

[20:49] Asshole: lmao i dont wanna say what im doing bc itll support ur bias against me man

[20:49] no fun mcgee: let me guess

[20:49] no fun mcgee: you

[20:49] no fun mcgee: are at

[20:50] no fun mcgee: a PARTY

[20:50] Asshole: u really do think im a fuckboy dont you

[20:50] no fun mcgee: but am i wrong?

[20:50] Asshole: …no

[20:50] no fun mcgee: becca ardenberg?

[20:50] Asshole: arenberg but YES!

[20:50] Asshole: are u coming???

[20:50] Asshole: omfg brooo itll b wild i didnt think u did that kind of shit!

[20:50] no fun mcgee: i don’t

[20:50] no fun mcgee: i’m not going, briseis is

[20:50] Asshole: scary girlfriend briseis?

[20:50] no fun mcgee: she’s not my girlfriend but yes that briseis

[20:50] Asshole: whoa she’s not?

[20:50] no fun mcgee: we’re just friends

[20:51] Asshole: oh damn i thought you guys were together! my bad

[20:51] Asshole: but u should come bro

[20:51] Asshole: itll be a really fun night

[20:51] no fun mcgee: i don’t have an invite

[20:51] Asshole: well consider urself formally invited

[20:51] Asshole: anybody achilles invites is welcome B)

[20:52] no fun mcgee: very humble

[20:52] Asshole: but am i wrong? B)

[20:52] no fun mcgee: toosh

[20:52] no fun mcgee: but no its not really my thing

[20:52] Asshole: for real?

[20:52] no fun mcgee: yeah

[20:53] no fun mcgee: not to support your own thinking of me but i’d honestly rather study than go to a party like that

[20:53] Asshole: just cant resist those kidneys huh

[20:53] no fun mcgee: how is a man supposed to resist?

[20:53] no fun mcgee: there’s 2 of them!

[20:53] Asshole: hahaha every biomedicine majors wildest dreams

[20:58] Asshole: im gonna hit the hay now but just wanted 2 thank u for the help uve been giving me bro, ill get u the money next monday

[20:59] no fun mcgee: that isn’t necessary!

[20:59] Asshole: it wouldnt feel rite if i didnt

[20:59] Asshole: i have missed like pretty much 3 whole years of classes so im aware im a tricky student pffft

[20:59] no fun mcgee: but i don’t mind teaching you

[20:59] no fun mcgee: i mean not as much as i thought i would

[21:59] Asshole: haha

[21:59] Asshole: im glad to hear it

[21:00] Asshole: gn

[21:00] no fun mcgee: goodnight

 

[21:00] pattycakes: 9pm on the fucking dot

[21:00] bitcheis: spooky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are beginning to move forward.... weaving some rly subtle progressions....... leave me a comment and lmk what u think and ill be forever grateful


	6. the party basket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> achilles and briseis go to a party. patroclus has a date with his study notes. shit goes down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!!! FIRST MENTIONS OF ASSAULT AT COLLEGE PARTIES, DRUG USE, STUFF LIKE THAT, SO BE CAREFUL READERS!!!  
> ANOTHER WARNING!!! this chapter is like 90% not texting so iM SORRY IM SORRY i suck a lot but please bare with it was nEcEsSaRy ok thank u please enjoy

“You sure you’re not coming?” called Briseis from the bathroom.

Patroclus peered around the wall to meet Briseis’s eyes in his own bathroom mirror, because apparently she just _couldn’t go out_ without his input and his input meant giving his approval for _every stroke of makeup_ and _every strand of hair_ about her being.

“Nah, I’m not.” Patroclus smiled at her before looking back at his textbook. He resented slightly that he had proved Achilles right by being unable to resist the kidneys, but what was a man to do? There were two of them.

Looking slightly more relieved, Briseis continued, “Well, I told you the address, so if you get painfully bored without me - hey, champagne or green highlight on the inner corner?”

Patroclus looked back again, eyebrows furrowed. “I thought I’d told you this enough, but my homosexual gene doesn’t make me any more knowledgeable on what colour of highlight to use. I barely know what it is.”

“I’m not asking you as a gay, I’m asking you as a human.” Briseis rolled her eyes. “Choose!”

“Uhm - green,” said Patroclus.

Briseis looked down at her top - emerald green, off the shoulder, stylish but completely unlike her - and nodded before applying it.

Soothed by the domestic noises of another human in his bathroom, Patroclus slumped back over his work. So far he’d labelled 4 separate diagrams of the kidneys for several different study resources, and he had yet to make Achilles’s copy for when he undoubtedly did his own incorrectly. He also had to make some flow charts. Oh, and then there was the revision for the quiz on Monday -

“Hey, Bri, have you remembered the test on Monday?” asked Patroclus.

There was a beat where Briseis’ rustlings stopped. Her face popped around the doorframe with an expression of anguish. “A wha-a-at?” she whined.

At the sight of her face, looking like a lost puppy, Patroclus reached out to pull her into a hug, before noticing her ‘bake’ and deciding against it. Patroclus mimicked her expression as he replied, “Kidney function. It’s quite literally piss.”

The corner of Briseis’s mouth twitched and she began to heave gently. It took Patroclus five seconds to realise she wasn’t laughing. Panicked, he swept his workbook off of his duvet - fuck the order of his papers - and pulled Briseis onto the bed, arms wrapping around her tightly.

“Oh, Patty, I’m - I’m s-so nervous,” she sobbed, burying her face in his neck.

Patroclus’s arms tightened around her and he began to rub circles into the small of her back with his thumb. “It’s going to be fine, Bri. It’s going to be fine.” He nuzzled his face into the curls at the top of her head, smelling of jasmine. “You wanted this, Bri,” he reminded her.

“I know, b-but that makes - makes it even worse, because - b-because then -  what if I hate it?” she cried.

“Then you hate it, but at least you gave it a try,” said Patroclus.

Sobs slowing, Briseis rubbed her face against Patroclus’s shirt. “Sorry about my makeup.”

Patroclus smiled. “It’s okay, silly; I’m not the one wearing it.”

“Are you sure about that?” Briseis lifted her wet face, smudged and messy, and offered him a watery smile. She plucked his the stained piece of fabric off of his chest before letting it smooth back down again. “I’m scared nobody will like me.”

Patroclus took her hands and pressed them together in his. “You’re a fun person. You’re funny and kind. You just have to show them, Briseis, and that’s what tonight is about!” He grinned.

Briseis shot him back another small smile before moving to stand up. Abruptly, she turned back around and asked, “Are you sure you don’t want to come?”

“Bri, you’ll be fine,” said Patroclus.

Briseis paused at the edge of his bed, one leg still on the mattress. Her eyelashes, dampened by tears and clumped together, fluttered like a doll’s. Her lips parted for a moment before closing again. Her fingers began to toy with her top like antibodies prodding at a foreign entity. She seemed to be waiting, poised there, for something to happen. It couldn’t have been for Patroclus, because what else was there for him to say? He sat back against his pillows and stared at her in confusion, waiting for her to say something, while she stared back, waiting for…

They stayed like that for a moment, two, hundreds, but whatever Briseis was waiting for never came. Her body softened, and while she didn’t move she heaved, like a breath, down against the mattress with her knee. She looked down at her nervous hands for a second before looking back at Patroclus.

“Pat, I really appreciate you -”

“I appreciate you too, Bri,” Patroclus replied, voice breathy from relief at the breaking of the silence.

Briseis’s face scrunched up into a ball. “ _No_ , Pat, I - I appreciate everything you do for me, and -” She paused, maybe to check for an interruption, before continuing. “I love you, y’know?” Her face scrunched again, tighter and shorter.

Patroclus continued to stare at her in confusion. “I love you too, Bri, what is going -”

She seemed to be fighting with herself for something, as when she opened her mouth only aborted croaks emerged for a moment before she began, “ _Patroclus_ , I -”

There was a knock at the door.

Briseis leapt from Patroclus’s bed like a wild cat, darting into the bathroom. “Don’t open the door!”

“Don’t open the door?” Patroclus repeated. “Briseis, what - why shouldn’t I open my own door?”

“M-my face is a mess,” she said from the bathroom. She was crying again.

“Nobody on my floor would care about that, Bri,” said Patroclus. “I’m going to get it -”

“Patty, _please,”_ begged Briseis. Patroclus looked around at her but she wouldn’t meet his eyes in the mirror, choosing instead to tug at the skin beneath them with a wet wipe. “Just give me a moment.”

Patroclus squeezed his eyes shut in confusion. “But why?”

“Just - can I have _one moment_ , Pat?” yelled Briseis, turning to look at him. She immediately turned back around, but Patroclus couldn’t miss her confusion, her frustration…

Patroclus shot a glance at his door before nodding and perching on the edge of his bed frame. Briseis sniffed before picking up her sponge and attacking her face again. Her hands shook as she applied her mascara. Peering round the wall, Patroclus waited for Briseis to pull herself together. The time passed slowly, and Patroclus couldn’t help but feel increasingly rude.

There was a second knock. “Patroclus?” came a voice from behind the door. _Pa-tro-clus_. Nobody said his name like that. Like it was sound only. _Patroclus_. Patroclus’s ears rang. And then he felt very, very rude.

“Bri, I’m getting the door,” he announced.

Briseis’s face appeared affronted, before it smoothed again. She looked at herself in the mirror as she nodded.

Hands near frantic, Patroclus fiddled with the lock on his door. Upon hearing the click, he threw it open to see -

“Patroclus.” Eyes bright, Achilles smiled as he stood at Patroclus’s door - even when excited, Achilles’s face never lifted from that smooth surface, never twisted those carved planes, and yet you knew how he felt from his eyes only, like pools - that’s _gay_ and stupid and - it was time for Patroclus to be quiet now. “Thought you were gonna leave me hanging then, man. I texted you that I was coming.”

“You texted me?” Patroclus’s hand patted the pockets of his jeans, searching for his phone, to come up empty. “Where did I put my phone…?” Eyes wide, Patroclus remembered that he’d had his phone in the bathroom, so Briseis probably must have heard it… so why didn’t she say?

“You lost your phone, bro?” Achilles asked with concern.

Shrugging it off, Patroclus smiled at him. “Don’t worry. I know where it is. I must not have heard it. What are you -” It was then, through the concerns over his phone and his shameful internal monologue, that Patroclus first noticed the basket in Achilles’s hands. Contents sealed with taut blue tissue paper, the basket was of a light brown wicker and decorated with sporadic dottings of stickers and glitter. The handle was adorned with a winding blue ribbon tied into a messy double knot. “You came to the wrong door?”

Achilles’s cheeks flushed as he laughed. “No, no, man! I wouldn’t have texted you if I had. I actually… you’re not going tonight, are you?”

“Well, I’m not now,” joked Patroclus with a wonky smile.

Achilles’s face dropped. His knuckles tightened on the basket handle.

“Achilles, _Achilles_ , I’m joking,” said Patroclus. “I wasn’t going anyway.”

Sighing with relief, Achilles relinquished his death grip on the basket handle. “Phew! You almost had me there, bro. Hot date with a textbook?”

“I have a hot date with two lovely ladies in there and their names are Kid and Ney.” Haha! Patroclus wanted to die.

Because he’s Achilles, Achilles honest to God laughed at that.

Suddenly, there was a bang from the bathroom, and Achilles peered around Patroclus. “Yo, man, you weren’t joking there about those two ladies?”

Patroclus snorted. “Sorry to disappoint you, frat hero, but there’s one person in there and she isn’t a lady.”

“Hello, Achilles,” Briseis said coldly between sprays of perfume. She had come out of the bathroom and she was stood in the narrow hallway between the door and the bed, dressed in a looser, more _her_ top and with her curls piled on top of her head in an explosion of coiled bun. Her feet were bare and she only had eyeshadow on one eye and yet her five-foot-three self radiated power.

“Hey, Briseis,” Achilles replied, not seeming to be aware of her tone. “What perfume is that?”

“Versace’s _Eros Pour Femme_.”

Achilles nodded. “Good choice,” he said. He then appeared not to know what else to say, which isn’t uncommon when faced with Briseis’s intense golden stare for the first time, so he coughed and turned back to Patroclus. “I brought you goodies.”

“’Goodies’?” Patroclus echoed incredulously.

Achilles lifted the basket for emphasis. “I wouldn’t take the wrapping off yet because it’s pretty packed full of stuff.”

“’Stuff’?” Patroclus repeated again.

“Yes, Polly,” Achilles shot back with a smirk. God, you could tell he had a kid. “I thought you’d be lonely without Briseis _or me_ to keep you company so I brought you some snacks and stuff, and - don’t laugh - I brought you one of my favourite football game recordings.” Achilles’s cheeks flushed again.  “It took a hell of a lot of work to get it on a disc, but I managed. It’s pretty old, but it’s the game that made me really start liking football, so I thought it might help you understand the game better.”

Patroclus didn’t know what to say. He could feel the blood rising to his own cheeks and he wanted to stick his face into a mini-fridge, or a big fridge, or maybe the Antarctic.

“Or you could study. That’s why I added the snacks in there too. You could eat them while you’re studying or whatever.”

Patroclus couldn’t help but smile. This big football asshole was maybe not so much of an asshole, and that thought was both warming and terrifying. When someone’s asshole-dom becomes the butt of your jokes for three years it makes a little glacier somewhere inside your personality and doesn’t go away. Patroclus couldn’t tell if it was melting or not. He couldn’t tell if he should be. All he could say was, “Thank you, Achilles. This is - this is -”

“It’s nothing,” said Achilles, handing him the basket. “Just a little something to thank you for what you’ve done until I can get your money to you.”

“I -” Patroclus took the basket from him, the ‘nothing’ feeling heavy in his grip. “You could be spending time studying the material I give you, but instead you spend that time DIY-ing a basket.”

“I knew that would come up,” Achilles sighed in mock-anguish. “I’m sure it won’t help that I hand-wove the basket too.”

“You _wove the basket?”_ Patroclus repeated at a near-yell.

Warm laughter filled the room as Achilles chuckled. “No. I don’t know how to weave baskets yet.”

“Don’t ‘yet’ me, sir! Do your studying!” protested Patroclus, trying not to laugh.

“I’ll study on Sunday, okay? I need the Saturday for practise.”

“And what time slot for the hangover?”

“We’ll see,” Achilles said, smiling. “Well, I’d better be going.”

Patroclus clocked his body language - leaned towards Achilles, resting on his front door frame, face pulled up into a rosy smile. He pulled back quickly, remembering himself. “Thank you for the basket.”

“It’s no problem, man, I said.” Achilles shot him another grin, each as warm as the last. He turned his gaze from Patroclus to a spot behind him. “Briseis, do you want to walk with me to Becca’s?”

Patroclus turned to see Briseis, now fully made up, widen her eyes. “Walk with you?” she said.

Achilles’s brows furrowed. “If you’re already going with some people then that’s fine, but I just thought I’d offer.”

Briseis’s eyes flicked from Achilles to Patroclus in panic.

‘ _Go with him_ ,’ mouthed Patroclus. It would be a leg-up socially, and Patroclus knew Briseis wanted it.

Briseis blinked at him a few more times before turning back to Achilles. “If you don’t mind, then that would be great.”

Clearly surprised, Achilles pulled back from the door and smiled. “That’s awesome, man. Let’s get going!”

The corners of Briseis’s mouth twitched. She moved past Patroclus, grabbing her clutch on the way out. “Have a good night, Pat.”

Still slightly shaken from the evening’s events, Patroclus couldn’t bring himself to wave. “You too,” he replied. “Stay safe.”

She nodded back, also unsmiling, before starting down the hall.

Achilles, however, turned his head back over his shoulder. His cheekbone, high and sharp and royal, cut into the dark walls of the hallway - he seemed to glow under the clinical lights, his hair golden and his skin bronzed. “Good night, Patroclus.”

 _Pat-ro-clus_.

It was only long after Achilles smiled and walked away that Patroclus realised he’d said nothing back.

 

[23:56] Bitcheis: Hey, Pat, are u there?

_\---- Today ----_

[00:02] Bitcheis: I just wanted 2 apologise for what happened earlier while im sober enough 2 feel my thumbs

[00:02] Bitcheis: some stuff has been going on at home and that + this has me all shaken up

 

[00:13] Bitcheis: idk if u should come over this hannukah

 

[00:56] Bitcheis: nah fuck what i said, ill talk to them, itll be fine

[00:56] Bitcheis: ignore that honestly ignore that im sorting it

 

[04:17] Bitcheis: i knoww you've been getting closer to achi.lles annd that makess me happy but jess wasnt lookinng so good tomight anxd she just left in a car with him just and she didnt loook Normal i think the frats put something in her drink and he took her i dont k.now what to think im just so,, sorry ppatroclus im just drunk an di dont want it to be what i think it is

 

[05:23] Asshole: ive had such a wild night bro its been insane and i rly want to sleep. i hope my text doesnt wake u bc ur phone might be off silent but just wanted 2 ask how ur nights been?

[05:24] Asshole: if u didnt watch the tape then thats fine, and i kno itd b like u to not open it at all nd just give it back bc u feel polite or whatever but please open the basket theres more in there than just snacks and tapes

[05:27] Asshole: goodnight

 

At 7:23am, Patroclus’s growling stomach decided it was time to wake him. When it’s November and you’re able to watch the sunrise, that’s when Patroclus most wanted to die.

He hadn’t been planning on opening the basket. A goodie basket? For studying? Patroclus’s heart simultaneously wanted to grow wings and fly away, and also wanted to shrivel and die. What was he, five? What was he, gay?  Shit, he really didn’t want to open the basket.

Unfortunately, Patroclus’s stomach made the decision for him, and before Patroclus’s brain could fully register the selfish decision, the blue tissue paper coating on the basket had been removed (not ripped, because even when he was hungry he wasn’t an _animal_.)

Inside, he immediately found… Haribo strawberries. Okay. A whole packet of the Haribo eggs from the Starmix. Patroclus preferred the hearts, but fine. Three apple sugar-pencils, one strawberry sugar-pencil, one cola sugar-pencil. A CD case, inside of which contained the disc of the 1978 Manhattan Myrmidons college football game (known from Achilles’s spiky sharpie scrawl). A packet of Starmix. A packet of mini marshmallows. These were strange snacks for a football player. A - ah, here we are - handful of protein bars meant to taste like oreo and pumpkin pie. Exactly seven grape-flavoured lollipops. And that was it -

Patroclus squinted at the flesh-coloured blobs at the bottom of the basket. He reached for his glasses from his bedside table and put them on. There, at the bottom of the basket, was a Polaroid picture of a younger, shorter-haired Achilles, a beautiful woman with a heart-shaped face and deep red hair pulled back into a bun, and a tiny baby, several months old, with Achilles’s rosy cheeks and his mother’s flame-red hair sprouting from his head in tufts. Next to it was a note.

_This is my son Neo! He’s a lot older than this now, because this was taken in my senior year of high school, but this is the best picture I have of all of us._

_(I do want it back though, hahahahaha)_

_\- Achilles_

Patroclus's heart seized and he dropped the photo like he was hot. He dove, not unlike a dolphin, into the safety of his bed and pulled his duvet around him like it would protect him from a murderer. Patroclus wanted to text him right now. Patroclus wanted to text Briseis about it. His heart was too full and he wanted to tell everyone, or else it would burst out of him and he would surely choke on it. But at the same time, Patroclus didn’t want to check his phone for the day. He didn’t want to face reality. If he did, it was possible that he’d have to face that he had a tiny, tiny crush on the captain of the Manhattan Myrmidons.


	7. venti gingerbread latte

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> patroclus hasn't checked his phone. he just wants a coffee. unfortunately, there's disappointment all round.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait - and for another prose chapter. i had to do this for plot. also, now exams are over, i have to get back into it. so here this is!! sorry for everything xoxoxo  
> disclaimer: 18 year old kiddo from england still, who doesnt own the characters of this story and doesnt know shit about the us of a

[07:14] bitcheis: you need to look at your phone

[07:16] bitcheis: why arent you looking at your phone

[07:17] bitcheis: fuck im hungover

[07:17] bitcheis: godddDDDDDDDD

[07:17] bitcheis: if youd look at ur phone id go back to sleep but i cant because im stressed that u arent looking at your phone

 

[08:13] bitcheis: i went back to sleep

[08:14] bitcheis: you still havent looked at ur phone though

[08:14] bitcheis: asshole

[08:14] bitcheis: u can check ur phone at like 3am but not now???? u didnt even go out!!! u should be awake and i should be asleep!!! bitch!!!

 

[08:37] bitcheis: LOOK AT YOUR PHONE

 

[08:50] bitcheis: OHMYGOD PATROCLUS

[08:53] bitcheis: im not going and finding you with this headache im just not

 

[09:16] bitcheis: dont make me do this pattycakes

 

[09:59] bitcheis: right im finding you and its ur fault what happens when i arrive

 

Patroclus was at the Starbucks in the main study hall, waiting to get his _venti gingerbread latteeeee with extra everythiiiiiing_ \- did he sing out loud? No, nobody was looking. Still, it had been close. In part exhaustion and part shame, Patroclus pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes until he saw stars. His mind had been in circles and his stomach had been in knots all morning; coffee wasn’t going to help, that was for sure, but there was something so powerful about a warm cup of coffee that tricks your brain into thinking you have your shit together when your shit is very much not together. Something about that takeaway-cup-holding power walk, _hooooo boy - t_ he raw power of sacrificing half an hour of your morning to pay over five dollars for anxiety and nausea inducing bean water with a slight Christmas taste. Patroclus smirked a little at himself and then pressed his heels harder in shame at finding his own thoughts amusing. God, he really needed some caffeine. Maybe a hot meal. A kiss - _some sleep._ Sleep, yes. Absolutely. But first, coffee -

“What can I get for you?”

“A-a venti gingerbread latte with extra - oh, fuck you,” Patroclus groaned after looking up.

Achilles sidled next to him in the queue with a grin, clearly pleased that his little scheme had worked. A few people behind him grumbled, but nobody spoke up against Achilles. Patroclus didn’t think they would have for anyone, really - most of the queue looked hungover as fuck. He wondered how Briseis was holding up. Fuck, he hadn’t checked his phone. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck -

“…and then she starts pulling geckos out of people’s coat pockets! It was amazing. And by God, those geckos do an amazing acapella rendition of Whitney Housten’s ‘I Have Nothing’. I mean, it’s relatively amazing, considering they’re geckos, but -”

“Huh - what, sorry?” Patroclus pulled himself out of his thoughts. “Geckos?”

Achilles smiled again, softer and more private. “Don’t worry yourself over it. You had breakfast?”

Patroclus grimaced. “Yes, but you won’t be proud of what, Mr. Sports Man.”

As if already knowing, Achilles sighed. “I gave you protein bars,” he said, amused.

“But mini marshmallows…” Patroclus contorted his body into an embarrassed shrug.

“Mini - God, that’s even worse!” Achilles gaped at Patroclus. “Plain? Not even in - Patroclus!”

“I’m _sorry_ ,” Patroclus replied, trying not to grin. “They’re just so _forbidden.”_

“Forbidden for a reason!” Achilles responded, but he was laughing a little now.

Trying to ignore the shocked stares of the people behind (and he could understand it - why would football hero Achilles be talking to stuck-up biomedicine student Patroclus?), Patroclus stepped forward in the queue and put a hand on Achilles’ arm to pull him forward also. His fingers tingled when he pulled them away and the feeling made him want to slice his entire hand off. “Well,” started Patroclus, trying to recover, “what did _you_ have for breakfast, you judgemental bastard?”

Achilles smirked, raising one eyebrow. “Breakfast? I’ve already had two meals today.”

“Two meals? It’s _ten in the morning_.”

Achilles’ eyebrow wiggling intensified, and he replied with only the whispered word of “ _Protein,”_ in the same way that one would say the word _ambrosia_ to a God.

Patroclus managed to resist slamming his face into the Starbucks cake display. “I haven’t looked, but I can’t imagine any mini marshmallows _you_ would give me would have below two days’ worth of protein intake, so -”

“What would you like to order, sir?”

Patroclus’ mouth slammed shut and he turned to the counter with his face aflame. He ignored Achilles’ playful look in his peripheral vision and ordered, this time correctly. Even though he was mildly embarrassed from being caught mid-rant, he was more embarrassed at the thoughts whirling through his head during the silence. He had leaned in to Achilles while talking to him, he was sure he had, rocking forward onto the balls of his feet - he was shorter, but his urge to be nearer had lifted him like Icarus and _ugh_ , his own body betrayed him. The thought of Achilles’ gentle smile filled his head; he had known Achilles as the rowdy Manhattan Myrmidon boy he had seen from his first year and had not desired to see much of again, who smiled to make others smile and was funny to have all eyes on him. This Achilles - this smile - was only for himself, content at his own amusement, calm in his own thoughts. People laughed with him, but he didn’t need them to. In this shitty, too-bright coffee shop, Achilles was a man who was all himself. The thought of a man like that made Patroclus near shaking.

God, he needed to get laid. More pressingly, he needed his _coffee_. Cheeks finally fading from bright red, he handed over his money and headed across the counter to wait for his drink. Achilles followed at an easy pace, muscles languid and loose from a morning of exercise.

However, despite the embarrassment and the traitor feet, they settled into an easy conversation. Well, if conversations about liver function are easy. Patroclus hoped that they wouldn’t get onto a conversation about the football game, because he hadn’t watched the tape yet, but Achilles said nothing, and Patroclus’ heart tried so hard to swell in his chest at that. There was no pressure, no eager eyes, just… liver function. Keeping the conversation to what Patroclus knew. God, heart, settle the fuck down. Patroclus also hoped that he wouldn’t mention the picture, because while Patroclus had seen it, he wasn’t sure his tongue could move around the words to talk about something that intimate, but that didn’t come up either. Just liver function. And it was nice. Patroclus knew that should they keep talking, Achilles wouldn’t keep to liver function conversations forever - he probably had more answers to give than Patroclus had questions to ask, considering his eagerness to become more friendly with Patroclus - but for now? Nice. Comfortable. Easy.

“Patroclus!”

Not so easy.

Patroclus turned, one hand resting on the counter, to see Briseis. Loose curls were flying from out of her bun as she power walked towards them. The bags under her eyes practically swung. Even from a ways away, Patroclus could see the muscle in her jaw working against what he assumed would be a pounding headache. Achilles’ mouth drew down in worry as he watched Briseis approached, eyes flicking back to Patroclus’ in search of answers. Patroclus had none.

“Patroclus.” Briseis opened her mouth to speak more before hunching over to gulp in breath. “Patroclus, you -”

“Take your time,” said Patroclus.

“Shut - up,” panted Briseis, but she didn’t say anything else for a few beats. Time was counted in gasping breaths and Patroclus’ nail tapping against the counter. “Patroclus -”

“What?”

“You - you didn’t answer your phone!” She reared up and slammed her palm into his chest.“All night, all morning I was texting you and - and _nothing_.”

Guilt pooled in Patroclus’s stomach, burning like bile. “Briseis, I’m sorry.”

She continued, “I know you don’t have to always be on your phone, but - but I could have been anywhere! I could have needed help!”

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Patroclus muttered, throat tight.

“It was so important and you just -” She seemed to see Achilles for the first time and lurched back. “Why the fuck is he here?”

Achilles, who had been facing away so as to not intrude, snapped his head back around. “What?”

“Briseis,” Patroclus chastised, “that’s not very -”

“If you’d seen my text messages, you’d know why the fuck I’m reacting like how I am.”

Patroclus’s eyebrows furrowed. “What - Briseis, what happened?” He glanced at Achilles, who seemed very confused, and then back at Briseis.

Briseis curled and uncurled her fists. “I knew it. I told you before that I knew it.”

“Knew what?” Patroclus asked. “Bri, what is it?”

Briseis tightened that jaw muscle again _hard_ before meeting Patroclus’ eyes. “Jess.”

“Jess?” Patroclus questioned - but he didn’t need to.

At his side, Achilles physically stepped away from Briseis, standing back flush to the bar. The queue had turned to look at the exchange, and Achilles seemed to wilt under their gaze. His face, once open and content, was now creased and conflicted. “I -” he began, but trailed off. “It isn’t - I didn’t -”

Patroclus’ stomach, once hot with affection and guilt, turned cold. _Cold_. Jess. Jess, who he had been staring at for weeks. Jess, who had come to attention of the Myrmidons. Achilles and Jess… Achilles, who had a second ago stood out from the other Myrmidons, but now melded back into them as one gang of _fuck you_ and Patroclus was finding it hard to breathe, finding it hard to see through the picture and the tape and think about Jess _Jess oh God what had happened?_

“I need you to trust me, Pat,” said Briseis. Her eyes softened from rage into pity, and that scared Patroclus more than any anger could.

Achilles was at a loss for words, throat making empty croaking noises, before he managed, “I know how it seems - but it’s not - I can’t say what -”

Briseis kept Patroclus' gaze, face shiny and eyes oh so painfully soft. “Pat. I’m sorry.”

Patroclus knew on some level that he had to make a choice, but it didn’t feel like one. It wasn’t difficult. His best friend, his soulmate, the one person here who gave him a family where his was empty and love where he had none, against a Manhattan Myrmidon who had looked for one short time like somebody else. Somebody more. The choice wasn’t difficult at all.

Patroclus pushed away from the counter - from Achilles, from the stupid trust that he had - and towards Briseis. Somewhere behind him, he heard the barista calling out a venti gingerbread latte, but his stomach couldn’t take it any more. He didn’t think he could turn back around. The mini marshmallows had turned from butterflies into hot lead in his stomach. A boy asks him for help to study, gives him a tape of a football match and some candy, and tells him about his son, his _son_. But then behind all that, he’s just a - Jess, oh God. Patroclus’ eyes burned for a moment.

Fuck him. Fuck him - fuck Achilles. Fuck him and everything he is. Everything he stands for. Fuck that too. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck Achilles. Fuck home. Fuck Christmas. Fuck school. Fuck everything. Fuck the Manhattan Myrmidons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aghhh please comment what you think im so nervous abt this one, cant tell if its alright or not. ill get back into it, but i just needed to PLOT PLOT PLOT yk. sorry if it aint as funny!!! again pls comment im being so insecure here rn SOMEONE SHUT ME UP!!!!! thank u


	8. super mega asshole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's no such thing as due process when it comes to this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the rift!!! but the texting style is backbackback, so enjoy!! contains mentions of date rape drugs, so please be warned. there isnt any graphic detail though.  
> still 18, still british, still dont own the characters

[10:02] bitcheis: how u holdin up kid

[10:04] pattycakes: well that quiz took my rectum out and handed it to me so im relatively not okay

[10:04] pattycakes: what the fuck even is a synapse

[10:04] pattycakes: why the fuck would i know about serotonin since when do i have serotonin

[10:04] pattycakes: biology is stupid

[10:05] bitcheis: that wasnt what i was on about pat

[10:07] pattycakes: i know

[10:07] bitcheis: have you spoken to him?

[10:07] pattycakes: no

[10:07] pattycakes: why would i

[10:07] pattycakes: hes a monster

[10:07] bitcheis: jess cant really remember what happened

[10:07] pattycakes: you were frantic when you left that party bri

[10:08] pattycakes: i trust that more than a drugged girl who cant remember

[10:08] bitcheis: i know

[10:11] bitcheis: has he not texted you or anything?

[10:12] pattycakes: of course he has

[10:12] pattycakes: im not reading them

[10:12] pattycakes: last one was something about failing the quiz without me

[10:12] pattycakes: but i dont want the money from a person like that

[10:13] bitcheis: pat…

[10:13] pattycakes: i just wish hed leave me alone

[10:13] bitcheis: block his number?

[10:13] pattycakes: i got so close to doing it

[10:13] bitcheis: but?

[10:14] pattycakes: agh fuck

[10:14] pattycakes: its all just a bit shit isnt it

[10:14] pattycakes: thought we were becoming friends

[10:14] pattycakes: maybe

[10:14] bitcheis: oh pat

[10:14] bitcheis: i think you should talk to jess

[10:15] pattycakes: what good would that do

[10:15] bitcheis: i cant stand to see u like this

[10:15] bitcheis: ive hardly seen you since the party

[10:15] bitcheis: its been 2 weeks pat

[10:16] pattycakes: talking to jess wont make achilles any less of a

[10:16] bitcheis: we dont know what he is

[10:16] pattycakes: you knew

[10:16] pattycakes: that night, you knew

[10:16] bitcheis: i was drunk!

[10:17] pattycakes: wtf is this briseis

[10:17] pattycakes: why are u making excuses for this? why arent you believing jess?

[10:17] bitcheis: jess _doesnt know what happened_

[10:18] pattycakes: thats an answer in itself!

[10:18] pattycakes: briseis what the fuck has gotten into you?

[10:20] bitcheis: i just want you to be happy

[10:20] bitcheis: before, i might have wanted to change some things so i could be happy too

[10:20] bitcheis: but i dont think either of us would be happy if

[10:23] pattycakes: ??? what are you talking about?

[10:34] pattycakes: briseis?

[10:48] bitcheis: talk to jess

 

 

22nd November

 

[12:45] Asshole: i really dnt kno how 2 start with this. theres a lot of stuff that i cant say. i cant explain why i cant say it either. thats wats fucking this all up. i wish i could say everythng to u.

 

[19:51] Asshole: i have so many answers for u but i cnt say it im doing wat i do for good.

[19:52] Asshole: i dnt hurt people ‘wat i do’ isnt in pain or hurt

 

[21:06] Asshole: i want 2 tell u everything but i cant

 

 

23rd November

 

[13:07] Asshole: im sry that i still dont have the words

[13:07] Asshole: everything ive ever worked 4 could go at that. people could be hurt

 

[15:56] Asshole: i didnt do what u think i did

 

 

25th November

 

[08:12] Super Mega Asshole: practise sucked today

[08:12] Super Mega Asshole: my coach is super Aggy

[08:14] Super Mega Asshole: get it? bc hes coach agamemnon?

[08:15] Super Mega Asshole: weird name huh

 

[20:56] Super Mega Asshole: i didnt do what u think i did

[20:58] Super Mega Asshole: gn patroclus

 

 

30th November (6 Days Ago)

 

[15:30] Super Mega Asshole: its a really nice day today

[15:30] Super Mega Asshole: i wonder if itll snow

[15:37] Super Mega Asshole: im making notes on ur powerpoints nd they rly help so thank u

 

[17:21] Super Mega Asshole: worked pretty hard, done w studying 4 now

 

[17:54] Super Mega Asshole: i rly hate coffee bt i felt weird asking 4 tea nd now i have coffee its gross

[17:57] Super Mega Asshole: im spamming u im sorry

[17:57] Super Mega Asshole: i wont text anymore

[17:59] Super Mega Asshole: wish we could talk again

 

 

2nd December (3 Days Ago)

 

[14:23] Super Mega Asshole: quiz wasnt on what ur powerpoints were

[14:23] Super Mega Asshole: fuck i still need ur help to study

[14:23] Super Mega Asshole: i can pay more?

 

[16:50] Super Mega Asshole: yh if i were u i woulnt have given a shit abt that either

[16:51] Super Mega Asshole: i mostly jst wish we would talk again

[16:55] Super Mega Asshole: patroclus, i didn’t do what you think i did.

 

 

Today

 

[10:59] Patroclus: hey Jess, it’s Patroclus

[11:04] Jess: oh hey Pat!x

[11:04] Jess: I was wondering when you were going to text me xx

[11:05] Patroclus: ?

[11:07] Jess: Jax once said that you two were mates now so I thought

[11:07] Jess: Well

[11:08] Jess: I thought you’d wonder what happened x

[11:08] Jess: I’m pretty sick of it to be honest, just want to forget x

[11:09] Patroclus: I’m sorry for asking

[11:09] Jess: No no no it’s fine for you x

[11:09] Jess: Just the random people who have nothing to do with it who bug me :( xx

[11:10] Patroclus: yeah I get that

[11:10] Patroclus: so what actually happened?

[11:10] Jess: That’s just the thing

[11:10] Jess: I have no idea x

[11:11] Jess: One moment I was chatting with Tom from Math and the next I’m asleep in my own bed x

[11:11] Jess: Only Millie was in the dorm all night and she said she heard nothing x

[11:12] Jess: It’s just really stressing me out that I don’t know what happened to me x

[11:12] Patroclus: do you remember getting into Achilles’ car?

[11:12] Jess: After Briseis told me she saw it I remembered, remembered him saying something to me in the car, but I don’t know what x

[11:12] Jess: I’m a Psychology major, I know I could have just made up a memory after being told what happened, so I can’t even trust my own memories :( x

[11:13] Patroclus: i’m so sorry jess

[11:13] Jess: Thank you Pat x

[11:13] Jess: I think I should talk to Achilles about it but I’m very scared x

[11:14] Jess: I hate admitting to myself that this has affected me but it has x

[11:14] Patroclus: there’s nothing wrong with being affected by this, no matter what happened this situation is unsettling

[11:15] Jess: Yeah x

[11:15] Patroclus: are you seeing a therapist or a counsellor?

[11:15] Jess: Do you think I should be?x

[11:15] Patroclus: it may help you, especially if you feel more affected than you let on

[11:16] Jess: Yeah, I might go and see one actually x

[11:16] Patroclus: Jess, you’re not weak for being shaken by this

[11:23] Jess: Oh Pat :) I really needed to hear that x

[11:23] Jess: We should hang out some time x

 

 

[11:32] pattycakes: i messaged jess

[11:33] bitcheis: what did she say???

[11:33] pattycakes: she said she might remember achilles talking to her in his car but she cant really remember anything

[11:33] pattycakes: that tells me that she was drugged

[11:33] bitcheis: and we dont know who did it

[11:34] pattycakes: we can assume

[11:34] pattycakes: you assumed. im going to assume the same

[11:34] bitcheis: i

[11:34] bitcheis: are u sure?

[11:34] pattycakes: ofc im sure

[11:34] pattycakes: idc abt him any more, i care about jess and i trust you

[11:35] bitcheis: you trust me?

[11:35] pattycakes: more than anyone

 

 

[11:39] Super Mega Asshole: can i have my picture back

 

[19:21] Super Mega Asshole: not even my fucking picture?? of my own son??

 

[20:59] Super Mega Asshole: Go fuck yourself, Patroclus.

 

 _You can no longer send to or receive messages from Super Mega Asshole_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE RIFT HASNT BEEN MENDED IM SORRY. I WILL TRY TO KEEP WRITING. but i have a plan. please leave feedback below so i can see how u guys feel abt the story!!!

**Author's Note:**

> please leave kudos/a comment with what you think of the story!! it'll really help me improve it and keep going, if this story is something you'd want to keep reading  
> [donating to me on ko-fi supports me and allows me to keep on writing!!](https://ko-fi.com/A05049H8)


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